Over-selectivity...a virtue or a detriment?

So everywhere I go, it seems like all Mormon women have the same experience with dating...we don't! Not because we don't want to. Truly, I think many of us would go out with a broom if it took the time to say hi and ask us on a date. Ok, that may be a little silly...but seriously...the more random places that I find friends (single women of the LDS faith) who also feel like they have little to no opportunities to date, the more I start to think maybe this isn't just a select few of us who just aren't good at dating. Maybe it is not just that I have a ton of things I need to work on for myself before I could consider being desirable to any man. Maybe this is a real, serious problem in LDS culture! Why is it that almost every single LDS woman I encounter has had her confidence in dating completely shot by the time she turns 22 years old? Of course there are exceptions...there are the girls that marry before the age of bitterness and other women who have actually had plenty of positive experiences dating in the church and even though they may not be married, they can honestly say that they have had their fair share of relationship experiences. What about the rest of us, possibly the majority of us? Why are we not getting our fair share? I am not looking to assign blame or bash the men; I just really want to understand. My friends who are over 30 always say that mid-singles wards in Utah are overflowing. When I hear things like this, my first thought is usually "Phew! So it is not just me that is bad at dating!" (This is probably a terrible thought, but I'm just keepin' it real.) However, this is also further evidence for what I am saying! Getting married is becoming more and more difficult. Even going on a date or two a year is a little difficult for many of us. Gaining any kind of experience with real relationships sometimes seems like an unrealistic goal.

Here is my theory...in LDS culture, we often pride ourselves on how seriously we take marriage and family. When we are finding someone to marry, we are in it to win it. There is none of this attitude that if it doesn't work out, or if we "fall out of love," divorce is always an option. Men (and women) are selective. Don't misunderstand me, this is not a negative thing. Bad marriages can be avoided by simply being careful about who you choose to be with for eternity. But here are some questions I will pose...are we over-selective? Is this detrimental to marriage in the long run? In being so selective, I fear we are often not willing to go on second and third dates (maybe even first dates) with people we cannot see as fitting a certain mold that we have created for our future spouse. I am not saying that over-selectivity is necessarily a terrible thing, maybe it is necessary to lasting marriages. But I am afraid that it is coming at a price, that price being countless women (I say women because that is whom I have heard express these woes, I am sure men have many difficulties as well) feeling worthless, undesirable, and not fit for the love a man simply because, from our perspective, the idea of spending more than one or two Saturday evenings with us is so off-putting by the vast majority of men. If this is the case, how can we hope to find someone who will desire to spend an eternity with us? I realize that is an extreme and possibly distorted cognition for women to have, but unfortunately, this is the result of being rejected and/or shelved over and over for years and years.

Of course men should not marry someone they do not have romantic feelings toward. However, I would plead with LDS men to give us a chance! A real chance! Ask women out often. See the first few dates as an opportunity to get to know the lady...that's right, I said first few. One date is not enough to know if you really like a person or not! People are typically nervous on the first date, and often not completely themselves. Ladies, this applies to you as well! Give the men a chance. Reinforce them for being so brave. Relationships may not work out, and this is okay, but allow the opportunity for real, meaningful relationships! Not just a date or two here and there, or only asking out the few very beautiful and obviously desirable girls who get asked out every weekend. In marriage, you should be in it to win it, but dating is a magical opportunity to learn and to make mistakes. Don't be afraid of those mistakes. Don't be over-selective, be adventurous.

Maybe I am completely off-base in my theories...I am no expert. However, this is what I know. So many women should not questioning their worth because they are 25 plus years old, get asked out maybe once or twice a year, and have limited to no experience with real romantic relationships, and all of this after sincere efforts on their part. Sure we can always look for other callings to place our worth in, but ultimately, we are only human and just want to feel loved and desired. The want for a husband and a family does not disappear because we have found a worthwhile career or calling. This should not be happening so much, and I can assure you, it is happening a lot, far too much. I've come to realize that this is not a problem that just me and a small clique of mopey girls face. This is happening a lot.

How much education is too much education?

I am a failure...I have had a ridiculous amount of singles ward drama and have not written about any of it!! I blame school. For the past year, graduate school has pretty much consumed my life. But before I turn this into a rant about how hard school is, lets take this and bring it back to the ever present topic of singles ward. How much education is too much? Especially for women!! The prophet and many other church leaders have advised its members (particularly its ysa members) to get as much education as possible. Maybe this is just how my perhaps overly literal mind works, but I hear that and think, "Get my PhD? M.D? Queen of America? Ok! The sky is the limit!!" The truth is, I am fine with this. I like school...well, lets just say I like to learn. School is hard, but ultimately, I like the challenge and I think I am good at school. However, recently it has come to my attention that guys do not want to marry a girl who is more educated than them. Ummm....I kind of wish this little golden nugget had been shared with me before I started working on my Master's degree at the ripe age of 21! Even just the other week I was sitting in sacrament meeting and the speaker (not a young single adult, but an older man talking about how now is the time to get our education) says "Guys, do you really want to marry a girl who has more education than you?" I realize he was just trying to light a fire under the mens' rears, but I can't help but think "Ummm...thank you for reminding me of one of the many reasons I am still single and for reminding all of the men in my singles ward that, yea, they probably do not want to marry me until they have attained their PhD.'s!" I asked one of my good male-friends for his opinion on that matter. This guy very politely, but truthfully, informed me that the fact that I am in graduate school is intimidating. It is not a bad thing, and is certainly something men I am dating should know, but I should avoid informing men right from the beginning that I am in graduate school. Turns out this is pretty hard to do, as one of the very first getting-to-know-you questions is, "So, are you in school right now?" I respond, "Yes," to which they ask, "Oh, cool, whats your major?," to which I reply, "Psychology," and then they say something like "Cool, what do you want to do with that?" or "are you going to go to graduate school?" or "so, are you a freshmen or sophomore or what?" Basically, the conversation almost always ends up in me sheepishly admitting that I am in graduate school. Its super lame that my intelligence and ambition has turned into something I feel compelled to hide. Solution? Maybe I should just spend all my free time at the medical school and shoot for a young doctor not intimidated by my meager Master's degree!

The sad reality of the single life

Being single can be a lot of fun...true story. I can spend my money however I want, hang out with whoever I want...essentially, I can do whatever I want without having to check in with someone else. In spite of this, there are certain aspects about being single that I really hate. My biggest sorrow is forming friendships with people just to watch them leave my life forever...well, maybe not forever. There are definitely friendships that I have made that continue to this day and probably will last forever, but usually when people move on, regular contact ceases, except of course to congratulate them on their engagement, pregnancy, and yearly birthday wishes (all made possible by facebook, of course). This is not due to lack of caring or negligence on anyone's part...you can just only have so many really close friends. Maintaining a close friendship with everyone you ever form any relationship with would be extremely time consuming. All the same, it is a sad reality, and it is even worse with guy friends, I think. Close friendships with girls, I have found, really can last through marriages, pregnancies, and almost anything, because I am also a girl. With guys, I have a hard time maintaining a friendship when they become involved with someone, particularly when they get married. Maybe this is just me, but I don't feel like I can hang out or even have a meaningful relationship with a guy when he is with another girl, regardless of whether or not I am secretly in love with him. That really is irrelevant...what matters is that this girl he is with will now slowly, but almost surely (especially in Mormon culture, we don't like to waste time), become the single most important person to him, as she should be really. I just feel incredibly awkward trying to have even a platonic friendship with them (and I think that really is just my own neurosis, I know several girls who do not have a problem with this).

I guess the best thing I can hope for is that everyone I meet and grow to love has been in my life at a specific time for a specific reason, to teach me something. This past week, someone actually asked me what it means when people say "Everything happens for a reason." He felt that it was a weird phrase and thought it was ridiculous that we would assume there is a specific reason for everything that happens. I told him that it is a phrase people like to tell themselves to make themselves feel better when something bad happens because maybe out of that bad thing, something good happened. Whether or not this is true, it helps everyone maintain some level of sanity to assume that life isn't random. So maybe I am just trying to make myself feel better, but I cannot believe that life is random. I believe that everyone I can call my friend has had an immeasurable amount of influence on the person I am and will become. I cannot wait to find a friendship that will last for eternity, a friend who will never leave my life...ever (all you single mormon kids know what I'm talking about). I like to think that maybe when this life is over, we will be able to see everyone we ever cared for and it will be one big, amazing reunion. Until then, I am so grateful for everyone who has been a part of my journey. I know I have gained something I would have never received without your presence in my life.

The unspoken rule of relief society sisters

What is the unspoken rule of relief society sisterdome? You do NOT go after the same guy! Women I think are born with the instinct to loathe all other women who are even potentially going after the same guy as them. Different girls have different ways of going about this...they may give the cold shoulder, talk badly about the other girl behind her back, or even become her best friend (keep your enemies closer, right?). Unfortunately, this basic instinct goes against what we as sisters in Zion stand for, and that is to love our relief society sisters. How can you love someone your biology dictates you should hate?

Why is this such a hot topic of singles ward drama? I really believe that it is often due to the lack of available guys. Most of the guys either make the girls feel uncomfortable or they hang out in their own little bubble of guy friends and don't talk to girls. This leaves a limited number of available, not scary, guys who actually talk to girls. I don't think guys realize that impressing a girl is not that hard...really you just need to talk to them. Do not act so interested as to scare them, but in general, if a guy will just talk to girls, inevitably at least a few will become interested. It is in this way that a man becomes the hot commodity, the scarce resource, the carcass being fought over by a herd of lionesses...and really, what guy does not kind of enjoy that?

But if I miss this activity, maybe I will miss my chance!

Maybe I am just crazy, but is anyone else motivated to go to activities out of the sheer fear that maybe your magic moment was scheduled to happen tonight, and that if you don't go, you will miss it and be single forever? Of course this has happened for me pretty much zero times. I think I've only ever been asked out at an activity a handful of times...like once a year or so this will happen...but it is probably not even necessarily because I went to THAT fhe or THAT ward prayer (or maybe it is, who knows). In any case, none of those dates amounted to much.

So why do we convince ourselves that we will meet our future spouse based on the events of one activity? I blame the media! In the musical West Side Story, Tony and Maria meet at that dance. What if one of them was sick and didn't go? Then the greatest love story of all time would have never happened! What if Jack did not win his Titanic ticket in the poker game...or did, but on his run to the boat was tripped and missed the boat pulling away? Sure, he would have probably lived longer, but once again the greatest love story of all time would have never happened! I really think this is what motivates me (and motivates someone else, too, hopefully, or else I will probably feel like a crazy person) to go to activities...this off-chance that maybe at a munch and mingle, my eyes will lock with my very own Jack or Tony over a heaping pile of Hawaiian Haystacks and the greatest love of all time will be born!

"Oldie but goodie singles wards"

Oldie but goodie singles wards...this is the affectionate term I've heard a couple of my good friends use to describe the wards singles over the age of 31 are put in. These are basically ultra intense singles wards. For the Utah County area that a few of my over 31 years of age single friends reside in, only a certain, equal number of men and women are allowed in. Men usually have no trouble getting in, but women are often put on a waiting list to be admitted into this ward. You must have a current temple recommend, attend regularly, date regularly, and even sign a contract agreeing to several terms in order to be a member of this ward. That's not to say that going to the temple regularly or dating regularly is a bad thing. Still, this ward means business as far as getting people married.

Question...how do LDS kids even get to this age unmarried? Girls, I do believe, have a little less control over this. All of my girl friends who are at this stage are some of the most delightful people I know! Even the guys I know who are at this stage are NOT bad or weird guys. Girls want to be with them, so why don't they want to be with any of these girls? Maybe girls have been horrible to them in the past and they are afraid? I imagine the reason is different for everyone. I like to think that there is a reason for this, a good reason. The reason cannot possibly be that they are undesirable. I have seen plenty of undesirable people get married (for real, just watch an episode of Bridezillas), and that is not the case for any 31+ person that I know. Perhaps they have a greater purpose in this life, something they need to do. I like to think that the best relationships will be reserved for those who have waited faithfully and patiently for those blessings.

You can search far and wide, but I don't think you'll manage to find a more interests group of people than the individuals that comprise an LDS singles ward. For those of you who may be reading this and do not know what I'm talking about, LDS stands for Latter Day Saint, as in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, or often referred to as the Mormon Church. Our church is divided throughout the world by geographical locations referred to as "stakes" (for example, the Taylorsville Stake, or the Columbia Stake, both names of cities). These stakes are further divided into wards. Your ward is the group of people you attend church meetings with. A singles ward is unique in that it is comprised entirely of individuals between the ages of 18 to 31 who are not married. In our religion, as is actually the case in most religions, marriage is an extremely central principal. Marriage is a little different in our church as opposed to other Christian traditions. When we are married, we are sealed for time and all eternity in sacred houses of the Lord called temples. Only worthy members of the church are able to enter temples. We are not forbidden to marry others who are not members of our church unable to enter the temple and have this sacred sealing for time and all eternity performed. However, this is a blessing that many if not most of us truly want and work for. It is a wonderful thing, but it does limit our options for romantic relationships a little. I truly believe that singles wards are inspired and that they hold many purposes...but I also don't believe that many would disagree that one of the central purposes of a singles ward is to meet other single LDS kids and get married in the temple.
*(This may not be the best explanation of our church...the best sources are mormon.org or lds.org if you are unfamiliar with our beliefs. In order to understand what I'm talking about, it is very helpful to understand what we believe. However, that is not the point of this blog, so I will not go into much detail.)

Member of the LDS church are truly a peculiar people who see the world a little differently than others in some respects. This makes for some pretty funny social situations, especial in LDS singles wards. Not only am I a young single adult member of the LDS church, but I am also a psychology major. What does this have to do with anything? I study psychology because I love watching the way people react in various situations. I also love to laugh and be amused. People are funny anyway, but when you add the element of being single (single people often are extremely hilarious) and then add that cherry on top of being raised in the LDS religion and being thrown in with a bunch of other people with similar attitudes, it can get extremely amusing. Or maybe that is just my opinion...in any case, I am going to share it.

Just a little disclaimer, I never intend to belittle any of the beliefs of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I love this church and I believe in it. I just want to share some funny stories and observations. Maybe no one will agree with me or even think anything I say is funny...maybe I'll only write a few entries and get bored...but ultimately, I just think that so many things are too amusing to not be shared.