Over-selectivity...a virtue or a detriment?

So everywhere I go, it seems like all Mormon women have the same experience with dating...we don't! Not because we don't want to. Truly, I think many of us would go out with a broom if it took the time to say hi and ask us on a date. Ok, that may be a little silly...but seriously...the more random places that I find friends (single women of the LDS faith) who also feel like they have little to no opportunities to date, the more I start to think maybe this isn't just a select few of us who just aren't good at dating. Maybe it is not just that I have a ton of things I need to work on for myself before I could consider being desirable to any man. Maybe this is a real, serious problem in LDS culture! Why is it that almost every single LDS woman I encounter has had her confidence in dating completely shot by the time she turns 22 years old? Of course there are exceptions...there are the girls that marry before the age of bitterness and other women who have actually had plenty of positive experiences dating in the church and even though they may not be married, they can honestly say that they have had their fair share of relationship experiences. What about the rest of us, possibly the majority of us? Why are we not getting our fair share? I am not looking to assign blame or bash the men; I just really want to understand. My friends who are over 30 always say that mid-singles wards in Utah are overflowing. When I hear things like this, my first thought is usually "Phew! So it is not just me that is bad at dating!" (This is probably a terrible thought, but I'm just keepin' it real.) However, this is also further evidence for what I am saying! Getting married is becoming more and more difficult. Even going on a date or two a year is a little difficult for many of us. Gaining any kind of experience with real relationships sometimes seems like an unrealistic goal.

Here is my theory...in LDS culture, we often pride ourselves on how seriously we take marriage and family. When we are finding someone to marry, we are in it to win it. There is none of this attitude that if it doesn't work out, or if we "fall out of love," divorce is always an option. Men (and women) are selective. Don't misunderstand me, this is not a negative thing. Bad marriages can be avoided by simply being careful about who you choose to be with for eternity. But here are some questions I will pose...are we over-selective? Is this detrimental to marriage in the long run? In being so selective, I fear we are often not willing to go on second and third dates (maybe even first dates) with people we cannot see as fitting a certain mold that we have created for our future spouse. I am not saying that over-selectivity is necessarily a terrible thing, maybe it is necessary to lasting marriages. But I am afraid that it is coming at a price, that price being countless women (I say women because that is whom I have heard express these woes, I am sure men have many difficulties as well) feeling worthless, undesirable, and not fit for the love a man simply because, from our perspective, the idea of spending more than one or two Saturday evenings with us is so off-putting by the vast majority of men. If this is the case, how can we hope to find someone who will desire to spend an eternity with us? I realize that is an extreme and possibly distorted cognition for women to have, but unfortunately, this is the result of being rejected and/or shelved over and over for years and years.

Of course men should not marry someone they do not have romantic feelings toward. However, I would plead with LDS men to give us a chance! A real chance! Ask women out often. See the first few dates as an opportunity to get to know the lady...that's right, I said first few. One date is not enough to know if you really like a person or not! People are typically nervous on the first date, and often not completely themselves. Ladies, this applies to you as well! Give the men a chance. Reinforce them for being so brave. Relationships may not work out, and this is okay, but allow the opportunity for real, meaningful relationships! Not just a date or two here and there, or only asking out the few very beautiful and obviously desirable girls who get asked out every weekend. In marriage, you should be in it to win it, but dating is a magical opportunity to learn and to make mistakes. Don't be afraid of those mistakes. Don't be over-selective, be adventurous.

Maybe I am completely off-base in my theories...I am no expert. However, this is what I know. So many women should not questioning their worth because they are 25 plus years old, get asked out maybe once or twice a year, and have limited to no experience with real romantic relationships, and all of this after sincere efforts on their part. Sure we can always look for other callings to place our worth in, but ultimately, we are only human and just want to feel loved and desired. The want for a husband and a family does not disappear because we have found a worthwhile career or calling. This should not be happening so much, and I can assure you, it is happening a lot, far too much. I've come to realize that this is not a problem that just me and a small clique of mopey girls face. This is happening a lot.

How much education is too much education?

I am a failure...I have had a ridiculous amount of singles ward drama and have not written about any of it!! I blame school. For the past year, graduate school has pretty much consumed my life. But before I turn this into a rant about how hard school is, lets take this and bring it back to the ever present topic of singles ward. How much education is too much? Especially for women!! The prophet and many other church leaders have advised its members (particularly its ysa members) to get as much education as possible. Maybe this is just how my perhaps overly literal mind works, but I hear that and think, "Get my PhD? M.D? Queen of America? Ok! The sky is the limit!!" The truth is, I am fine with this. I like school...well, lets just say I like to learn. School is hard, but ultimately, I like the challenge and I think I am good at school. However, recently it has come to my attention that guys do not want to marry a girl who is more educated than them. Ummm....I kind of wish this little golden nugget had been shared with me before I started working on my Master's degree at the ripe age of 21! Even just the other week I was sitting in sacrament meeting and the speaker (not a young single adult, but an older man talking about how now is the time to get our education) says "Guys, do you really want to marry a girl who has more education than you?" I realize he was just trying to light a fire under the mens' rears, but I can't help but think "Ummm...thank you for reminding me of one of the many reasons I am still single and for reminding all of the men in my singles ward that, yea, they probably do not want to marry me until they have attained their PhD.'s!" I asked one of my good male-friends for his opinion on that matter. This guy very politely, but truthfully, informed me that the fact that I am in graduate school is intimidating. It is not a bad thing, and is certainly something men I am dating should know, but I should avoid informing men right from the beginning that I am in graduate school. Turns out this is pretty hard to do, as one of the very first getting-to-know-you questions is, "So, are you in school right now?" I respond, "Yes," to which they ask, "Oh, cool, whats your major?," to which I reply, "Psychology," and then they say something like "Cool, what do you want to do with that?" or "are you going to go to graduate school?" or "so, are you a freshmen or sophomore or what?" Basically, the conversation almost always ends up in me sheepishly admitting that I am in graduate school. Its super lame that my intelligence and ambition has turned into something I feel compelled to hide. Solution? Maybe I should just spend all my free time at the medical school and shoot for a young doctor not intimidated by my meager Master's degree!